Question

I like someone and he promised to marry me and asked me to wait until he had a job. We do not talk nor interact afraid of transgressing the limits of Shariah. I did istikhara for marrying him for I believed him to be religious and of good character. After that, our families met and my family liked him and his family but his family was against him marrying me due to cultural reasons. It took him four months to convince them. And during that period, it caused me emotional harm as well because he lacked communication skills so could not communicate nor reassure my family with regards to what would happen in the future and seemed weak, helpless and lost.

Everything seemed to be going very well until this meeting between our parents after which things became extremely difficult and blocked for 4-5 months. My family is still in favour due to my happiness but they are concerned with regards to my future with him since it was revealed that neither him nor his family are really knowledgeable about deen, and the fact that his family only cared that I did not fit their cultural criteria and not of my deen and character.

His family is now in agreement and happy with this marriage, his mother called and spoke to me and my mother, and his father spoke to my mahrams and they are looking forward to it and want him to get married soon and I feel like it has to do with my duas and his too but now he wants to wait to get nikkah done until he has a job because he wants close relatives around that day and his wife to live with him. I have been waiting almost two years now. I am scared of falling into haram. I do not know how long I would have to wait. Everything seems to be going okay for now and he is trying to make up for his mistakes and strengthen the foundation of his deen by gaining knowledge as well but I lost all confidence and I do not want to compromise on deen while marrying someone which is something I wouldn’t have realized he lacks in if not for the circumstances that unfolded.

Back when his parents were disagreeing, I did not know that things becoming hard or blocked after istikhara is also a form of outcome and a sign that Allah does not will it to be good for His slave but since I did not know that, I persisted in my duas and so did he and I think things became easier due to the same reason.

I do not want to end up in a marriage that Allah did not deem good for me. I am willing to accept the outcome and walk away if necessary but I’m worried I might regret it because for the most part, he is a good person and my family realizes that too which is why they are still willing to consider him. My question is, should I consider the delays and blockages as the outcome of my istikhara and Allah’s way of deterring me from marrying this man and marriage? What can I or should I do now?

Answer

May Allah reward you for your resolve and keep you steadfast upon righteousness and piety. While there does seem to be some blockages, it appears that the major blockage in the marriage has been eliminated, that being the unhappy parents.

Since your question, have things moved in the right direction? This is the main point here. You are being mindful of the boundaries of Allah, and that is brilliant. However, you cannot hang your hope on this one individual for too long.

The best course of action is to set a date in your head for the future, maybe four-six months or something shorter or longer, depending on your best judgement of the circumstances. Put pressure on the individual to commit to a date or some significant movement by that deadline. If there are no serious conversations about marriage by that time, say to the individual that you are moving on. If Allah wills it, the man will return to you. Otherwise, what Allah has decreed for you will be directed towards you.[1]

You have submitted that you have been waiting two years to get married to this individual, and it continues to be unclear if it will take place. Waiting around indefinitely is not optimal; if the marriage does not take place, you will have wasted too much time. Set a date, and this will offer some psychological control over this matter. In the meantime, seek Allah’s guidance and remember Him.

May Allah give you tawfiq

[1] You may benefit from the following lecture on Allah’s decree. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJJM0ABMkPk

Answered by:
Ifta Research Fellow

Checked & Approved by:
Mufti Abdul Rahman Mangera
Mufti Zubair Patel