Question
I’m a 24-year-old sister. After a few years of medical school, where we shadow doctors as students, I realised that medicine causes me great mental distress and decreases my imaan, and involves lots of freemixing. I never want to become a doctor and hate it for myself.
I tried to drop out of medical school but my parents forced me to continue. I’m finishing the degree for their sake because I love them. They also promised me they’d help me get married if I finished the degree.
However, I’m now close to finishing and I told my parents I will not start working as a doctor afterwards. I told the medical school that I won’t take up the job. Now, my mum is very angry, screaming at me and saying Allah will curse me for life because of her anger.
Now my parents have revoked their promise. They won’t allow any suitors or consider anyone for marriage until I change my decision and start working as a doctor.
I’ve tried to persuade them for a long time, but this keeps causing screaming and huge arguments in the house. I’ve now given up talking about it to save us all some pain. Living at home is increasingly unbearable.
1! If I don’t become a doctor, this will break my parents’ hearts. Will Allah SWT be angry with me for this reason? Must I obey them in becoming a doctor?
2) How can I proceed with getting married, if my parents have banned me completely?
3) Is it OK to meet suitors in public if I do not have a mahram to bring with me? How can I search for potentials without a wali?
Answer
Allah Almighty has made obedience and respect to parents a fundamental individual obligation (fard ‘ayn) in Islam, as emphatically explained in the Qur’an and Prophetic teachings. Nevertheless, adherence to this obligation should not supersede one’s obedience to Allah directly.
In your case, since your work will clearly impede on your Islamic obligations, such as the obligation to avoid gender intermingling, you will be Islamically justified in your choice to avoid working. So, Allah Almighty would not necessarily become angry at you opposing your parents’ wish, as you are doing so to fulfil your obligations towards Him and thereby to please Him. However, this does not give dispensation in showing any form of disrespect or unfitting behaviour towards your parents, and doing so would surely invite His anger.
Nevertheless, a more practical approach to your situation would be that you commence working in your field as per your parents’ wish. By doing so, the problem you are facing of unsuccessfully convincing them which is subsequently causing conflict and all sorts of distress will dissipate, and your parents will agree to assist you in getting married. Thereafter, once you are married, you can choose to stop working. When meeting potential suitors, gauge their view regarding you not working post-marriage, and choose a spouse accordingly.
As for your second and third queries, if you persist in avoiding work and therefore lose your parents’ support, there are ways to proceed with marriage. A legal guardian (wali), is not a requirement when searching for suitors or getting married, although it is recommended. So instead, one can ask those they know, from extended family, family friends, friends, acquaintances, etc., to search for suitors, and also undertake any necessary proceedings with their guidance and support. For practical reasons, it is better to involve a third party when handling any marriage proceedings rather than doing it alone.
When meeting suitors, it is impermissible to seclude or interact with them in a way that would potentially allow any attraction to escalate to unlawful sexual actions, such as flirting or exchanging personal contact details. Meetings with them can take place in public places where others are present as well, but only at a necessary level of interaction. Even then, a practical aspect to consider here is potentially spoiling one’s social image if witnessed by a community member who misunderstands the meeting.
In any case, marriage is a social construct, which best flourishes with parental and familial support in the long run. Therefore, it is not recommended that you cause such conflict with your parents that they ban you completely. If you decide to risk your parents’ assistance in marriage and avoid working, it would still be more appropriate that you persevere in keeping good ties with your parents, and convincing them kindly to assist you in marriage. It may be that due to your kindness and respect to parents all the while, Allah Almighty makes openings for you regarding them, in both work and marriage.
Many a times, it is the method of communication and mutual understanding, or lack thereof, that begets misunderstandings and triggers the other. Therefore, it might be helpful for you to work on this aspect as you interact with your parents. A couple of beneficial reads in this field include Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen, and The Five Essential People Skills by Dale Carnegie Training.
May Allah guide you to what is best and ease your affairs.
«بدائع الصنائع في ترتيب الشرائع» (7/ 98)
«وَكَذَا الْوَلَدُ لَا يَخْرُجُ إلَّا بِإِذْنِ وَالِدَيْهِ أَوْ أَحَدِهِمَا إذَا كَانَ الْآخَرُ مَيِّتًا؛ لِأَنَّ بِرَّ الْوَالِدَيْنِ فَرْضُ عَيْنٍ فَكَانَ مُقَدَّمًا عَلَى فَرْضِ الْكِفَايَةِ، وَالْأَصْلُ أَنَّ كُلَّ سَفَرٍ لَا يُؤْمَنُ فِيهِ الْهَلَاكُ، وَيَشْتَدُّ فِيهِ الْخَطَرُ لَا يَحِلُّ لَلْوَلَدِ أَنْ يَخْرُجَ إلَيْهِ بِغَيْرِ إذْنِ وَالِدِيهِ؛ لِأَنَّهُمَا يُشْفِقَانِ عَلَى وَلَدِهِمَا فَيَتَضَرَّرَانِ بِذَلِكَ، وَكُلُّ سَفَرٍ لَا يَشْتَدُّ فِيهِ الْخَطَرُ يَحِلُّ لَهُ أَنْ يَخْرُجَ إلَيْهِ بِغَيْرِ إذْنِهِمَا إذَا لَمْ يُضَيِّعْهُمَا؛ لِانْعِدَامِ الضَّرَرِ، وَمِنْ مَشَايِخِنَا مَنْ رَخَّصَ فِي سَفَرِ التَّعَلُّمِ بِغَيْرِ إذْنِهِمَا؛ لِأَنَّهُمَا لَا يَتَضَرَّرَانِ بِذَلِكَ بَلْ يَنْتَفِعَانِ بِهِ، فَلَا يَلْحَقُهُ سِمَةُ الْعُقُوقِ»
«حاشية ابن عابدين = رد المحتار ط الحلبي» (4/ 125)
طَاعَتَهُمَا فَرْضُ عَيْنٍ «وَقَالَ – عَلَيْهِ الصَّلَاةُ وَالسَّلَامُ – لِلْعَبَّاسِ بْنِ مِرْدَاسٍ لَمَّا أَرَادَ الْجِهَادَ الْزَمْ أُمَّكَ فَإِنَّ الْجَنَّةَ تَحْتَ رِجْلِ أُمِّكَ» سِرَاجٌ وَفِيهِ لَا يَحِلُّ سَفَرٌ فِيهِ خَطَرٌ إلَّا بِإِذْنِهِمَا. وَمَا لَا خَطَرَ فِيهِ يَحِلُّ بِلَا إذْنٍ وَمِنْهُ السَّفَرُ فِي طَلَبِ الْعِلْمِ
«حاشية ابن عابدين = رد المحتار ط الحلبي» (3/ 55):«وَهُوَ) أَيْ الْوَلِيُّ (شَرْطُ) صِحَّةِ (نِكَاحِ صَغِيرٍ وَمَجْنُونٍ وَرَقِيقٍ) لَا مُكَلَّفَةٍ (فَنَفَذَ نِكَاحُ حُرَّةٍ مُكَلَّفَةٍ» (قَوْلُهُ فَنَفَذَ إلَخْ) أَرَادَ بِالنَّفَاذِ الصِّحَّةَ وَتَرَتُّبَ الْأَحْكَامِ مِنْ طَلَاقٍ وَتَوَارُثٍ وَغَيْرِهِمَا لَا اللُّزُومَ
«حاشية ابن عابدين = رد المحتار ط الحلبي» (6/ 368):«وَفِي الْأَشْبَاهِ: الْخَلْوَةُ بِالْأَجْنَبِيَّةِ حَرَامٌ إلَّا لِمُلَازَمَةِ مَدْيُونَةٍ هَرَبَتْ وَدَخَلَتْ خَرِبَةً أَوْ كَانَتْ عَجُوزًا شَوْهَاءَ أَوْ بِحَائِلٍ (قَوْلُهُ الْخَلْوَةُ بِالْأَجْنَبِيَّةِ) أَيْ الْحُرَّةِ لِمَا عَلِمْت مِنْ الْخِلَافِ فِي الْأَمَةِ، وَقَوْلُهُ: حَرَامٌ قَالَ فِي الْقُنْيَةِ مَكْرُوهَةٌ كَرَاهَةَ تَحْرِيمٍ وَعَنْ أَبِي يُوسُفَ لَيْسَ بِتَحْرِيمٍ اهـ
«حاشية ابن عابدين = رد المحتار ط الحلبي» (6/ 369):«وَ) يَنْظُرُ (مِنْ الْأَجْنَبِيَّةِ) وَلَوْ كَافِرَةً مُجْتَبًى (إلَى وَجْهِهَا وَكَفَّيْهَا فَقَطْ) لِلضَّرُورَةِ قِيلَ وَالْقَدَمِ وَالذِّرَاعِ إذَا أَجَرَتْ نَفْسَهَا لِلْخَبْزِ تَتَارْخَانِيَّةٌ»
«حاشية ابن عابدين = رد المحتار ط الحلبي» (6/ 370):«إلَّا) النَّظَرَ لَا الْمَسَّ (لِحَاجَةٍ) كَقَاضٍ وَشَاهِدٍ يَحْكُمُ (وَيَشْهَدُ عَلَيْهَا) لَفٌّ وَنَشْرٌ مُرَتَّبٌ لَا لِتَتَحَمَّلَ الشَّهَادَةَ فِي الْأَصَحِّ (وَكَذَا مَرِيدُ نِكَاحِهَا) وَلَوْ عَنْ شَهْوَةٍ بِنِيَّةِ السُّنَّةِ لَا قَضَاءِ الشَّهْوَةِ»
Answered by:
Ifta Research Fellow
Checked & Approved by:
Mufti Abdul Rahman Mangera
Mufti Zubair Patel