Question
Assalamunalaikum,
I’m not too old, nor too young.
I’m graduated and earning via professional job from almost an year, Alhamdulillah.
My question is,
Can I meet with the girl family? (My to to-be in laws)
The girls family know about me, and her dad/brother wants to meet with me in person and also they want me to send my parents/family to acknowledge that the rishta is fixed and we can decide the nikah date as and when things get stable.
And I am thinking not to involve my family now, I want to talk everything about nikah from my side. I want to involve them only while fixing date, because I have already told in my home that there is someone I have already choosen and they agreed to it.
Why I don’t want to involve my family is,
The girl side family might keep on checking with my dad/mom, regarding nikah date and shaadi. And I don’t want to marry until I get my ongoing debts cleared, furthermore I plan to have direct nikah in masjid, with no dowry of a penny and some small valeema (200 people). And if I involve my family, I’m afraid my family will directly go and decide a date and give a shock to me, or girl side family might keep on bothering my family or my family might commit something like valeema would be big, because nikah is in masjid…., etc….;
There are many other points, because of which I don’t want to involve my family. I want to talk with girls parents directly about everything, how nikah will be, how valeema will be, when will it be, approval from my family side and everything.
I want to involve my family only when I get debt free and I could arrange some amounts to prepare my furniture and asbaab and to have some small function, at then l I’ll just send my parents to directly fix nikah date, which should be within 1 or 2 weeks.
My question is not “if I’m allowed to do so”, because I know it is fully permissible to talk with girls family for nikah. But, I am confused by thinking, if I directly talk about everything, the girls family might get bad image of me, they might think I don’t have good ties in my family or may doubt that my family is not ready or might think I don’t have manners or protocols, etccc.
So, my question is,
In light of shariah and sunnah and islamic suggestion, What am I supposed to do?
1.Go ahead and talk on my side, because my niyyat is pure that I want simple nikah and at my expenditure and I will be the responsible to answer all your queries and questions.
2. Just meet with her parents and move out by having normal discussions, and then just keep delaying the topic of sending my family over their house till 1 year by any lies and excuses.
3. Send my family, and leave all my plans for easy nikah and get bounded into 2-3 years of EMIs.
Your islamic view of suggestion would be highly appreciated.
Jazakallah Khair in advance.
Answer
As you have mentioned it is not obligatory upon you to involve your family members in all the discussions related to the nikah.
As for the options you have listed it would not be permissible for you to lie and make excuses and neither is this the best way to start a relationship with your new wife and her family.
We would advise just being open with your wife’s family. You can explain to them that you have certain wishes in relation to your nikah and are worried that if you get your family involved at this early stage, certain agreements may take place which are not within your capacity and potentially contradict with shariʿah. This way the issue is clear and it will not seem like you are trying to hide your family or that you have a bad relationship with your family.
If possible, you should also explain your wishes to your family from before-hand if you feel that they may listen and allow you to arrange the nikah as you wish.
In relation to dowry if you are referring to mahr then it is necessary for you to give a mahr to your wife. If you are referring to the practice of jahez where the wife is expected to give to the husband then you are within your right to not request anything.
Answered by:
Ifta Research Fellow
Checked & Approved by:
Mufti Abdul Rahman Mangera
Mufti Zubair Patel