Question
If your wife say’s she does not want to have intercourse with you what are the valid reasons, And in such cases what should one do? on the other hand if I cannot satisfy her sexual desire even with intercourse, is it in her right to leave me even though I have not treated her bad in any shape or form.
Answer
This is a question that cuts across the very heart of marriage in a religious sense – the fiqh and the every-day lived experiences of individual couples. The heart of marriage is compromise – while both husband and wife have responsibilities and duties owed to each other mandated by the shari‘a, the couples should be willing to compromise based on the needs of the spouses at different stages in the life cycle. Before I answer your question, I oblige you to buy Mufti Abdur-Rahman Mangera’s Handbook of a Healthy Muslim Marriage: Unlocking the Secrets to Ultimate Bliss. I have written a review of this book which can be accessed here, which marvels at the comprehensiveness and relatability of this book in navigating marriage as a religious, legal, social and cultural institution.[1]
Valid reasons for denying the husband’s sexual advances
Recalling the essence of marriage in light of the shari‘a is essential in understanding this question. A husband’s role is to provide for his wife and children, ensuring the financial, spiritual and emotional well-being of his family. The wife’s role is to look after the family, the husband’s wealth and make herself available to the husband when he desires her. This might sound awkward to read but it is observable reality – these rules of interaction have governed how men and women have interacted for centuries.
In the absence of physical or legal preventions from intercourse, a woman is not permitted to deny her husband from intercourse. Vaginismus or sickness is an example of a physical prevention from intercourse, whereas menstruation, fasting, being in a state of pilgrim sanctity is a legal prevention from intercourse.[2] If these barriers are not present, a woman is not permitted to deny her husband the right to intercourse.
However, while Islamic law offers us parameters on the objective regulations and rules governing marriage, cultural and socially specific variables affect how a couple form and maintain a healthy relationship and working partnership. Unfortunately, it is between these two paradigms that many couples lose their direction. Consider how one’s wife may be tired occasionally. There might have been changes in one’s life – pregnancy, early child-care, or the loss of a family member – which may affect her mood. The husband should consider these changing variables.
In the same token, the wife must realise that she has a responsibility to her husband. The messiness of life must not constantly supersede her duties to her husband. These are the parameters that the couple must engage with throughout their relationship. If a marriage is to last a lifetime, there will be ups and downs in one’s libido based on these changes in the life cycle and various other cultural and socially specific variables. The law is important, so the couple knows where each member stands. While the longevity of the marriage and the sustaining of a relationship somewhat necessitates ease and compromise of certain essentials, these essentials cannot be lost.
I previously mentioned the division of labour and responsibilities between the spouses. Upon the husband is the spiritual, moral and financial well-being of his wife and children. In a long-term marriage, the husband will not provide financial support for his wife and children entirely and absolutely. This is an observable reality for many modern couples. There will be occasions where the wife may chip in for the odd meal, present, weekly shop here and there. In some couples, the wife may cover a certain proportion of the monthly bills by mutual consent. This is a compromise the couple come up with to handle their finances, considering their financial position and goals. However, if these contributions were beyond mutual consent, the husband would not be fulfilling his most basic duties to his spouse. The wife’s keenness to contribute financially should not be abused.
There are laws and regulations that mandate certain duties upon the spouses. Life ensures that there would be a level of compromise on them at certain points in the marriage. Too much compromise on one side is neglectful and wrong.
Not satisfying the sexual needs of one’s wife.
In response to your second question, I would like to focus on the words “I have not treated her bad in any shape or form”. Being treated well or not well is seen in the light of the shari‘a and how the needs of the spouses are being met.
The wife has an equal right to sexual pleasure in a relationship; however, the enforceability of this right operates as a religious obligation (diyanatan); intercourse cannot be judicially enforced beyond a singular judgement.[3] This means that a husband is religiously mandated to fulfil her sexual needs. However, in the Islamic courts, women would generally be unsuccessful in a petition against the husband for not being able to completely satisfy his wife’s sexual desire. For example, the fiqh manuals state that the wife of an impotent person cannot seek an annulment of the marriage if her husband is able to have intercourse with her. Here, the jurists write that the mere act of intercourse is sufficient, not ejaculating, which would amount to complete satisfaction of her sexual needs.[4] In comparison, petition for annulment on the basis of not being paid spousal maintenance and such is valid grounds for annulment in Islamic courts.
The difference between the two cases is noteworthy. Deficiency in not satisfying the wife is underwritten in the Islamic courts by the mere act of intercourse. Deficiency in spousal maintenance could be grounds for annulment in an Islamic court. Therefore, there are no shar‘i grounds for a wife to leave her husband for not satisfying her sexual desire with intercourse.
Again, I must stress the inter-relation of fiqh and the workability of the relationship. Relying solely on the fiqh may damage your relationship. I urge you to seek the advice of a Muslim counsellor about how these problems may be overcome. Many times, the issues mentioned in the question persist due to underlying issues in the relationship.
I pray that Allah makes it easy for you and adjoins your hearts in mutual love and respect.
Answered by:
Maulana Ikramul Hoque Miah
Checked & Approved by:
Mufti Abdul Rahman Mangera
Mufti Zubair Patel
[1] The Muslim 500 2020 edition, pg 235. Available from: https://www.themuslim500.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/TheMuslim500-2020-low.pdf
[2] بدائع الصنائع في ترتيب الشرائع (2/ 331( وَهَذَا الْحُكْمُ وَهُوَ حِلُّ الِاسْتِمْتَاعِ مُشْتَرَكٌ بَيْنَ الزَّوْجَيْنِ، فَإِنَّ الْمَرْأَةَ كَمَا تَحِلُّ لِزَوْجِهَا، فَزَوْجُهَا يَحِلُّ لَهَا قَالَ عَزَّ وَجَلَّ: {لا هُنَّ حِلٌّ لَهُمْ وَلا هُمْ يَحِلُّونَ لَهُنَّ} [الممتحنة: 10] ، وَلِلزَّوْجِ أَنْ يُطَالِبَهَا بِالْوَطْءِ مَتَى شَاءَ إلَّا عِنْدَ اعْتِرَاضِ أَسْبَابٍ مَانِعَةٍ مِنْ الْوَطْءِ كَالْحَيْضِ وَالنِّفَاسِ وَالظِّهَارِ وَالْإِحْرَامِ وَغَيْرِ ذَلِكَ، وَلِلزَّوْجَةِ أَنْ تُطَالِبَ زَوْجَهَا بِالْوَطْءِ؛ لِأَنَّ حِلَّهُ لَهَا حَقُّهَا كَمَا أَنَّ حِلَّهَا لَهُ حَقُّهُ، وَإِذَا طَالَبَتْهُ يَجِبُ عَلَى الزَّوْجِ، وَيُجْبَرُ عَلَيْهِ فِي الْحُكْمِ مَرَّةً وَاحِدَةً وَالزِّيَادَةُ عَلَى ذَلِكَ تَجِبُ فِيمَا بَيْنَهُ، وَبَيْنَ اللَّهِ تَعَالَى مِنْ بَابِ حُسْنِ الْمُعَاشَرَةِ وَاسْتِدَامَةِ النِّكَاحِ، فَلَا يَجِبُ عَلَيْهِ فِي الْحُكْمِ عِنْدَ بَعْضِ أَصْحَابِنَا، وَعِنْدَ بَعْضِهِمْ يَجِبُ عَلَيْهِ فِي الْحُكْمِ.
مجمع الأنهر في شرح ملتقى الأبحر (1/ 612) (وَلِلزَّوْجِ أَنْ يُعَزِّرَ زَوْجَتَهُ لِتَرْكِ الزِّينَةِ) إذَا أَرَادَهَا الزَّوْجُ وَكَانَتْ قَادِرَةً عَلَيْهَا (وَتَرْكِ الْإِجَابَةِ إذَا دَعَاهَا إلَى فِرَاشِهِ) وَلَمْ تَكُنْ حَائِضًا، أَوْ نُفَسَاءَ؛ لِأَنَّ الْإِجَابَةَ وَاجِبَةٌ عَلَيْهَا
[3] بدائع الصنائع في ترتيب الشرائع (2/ 331(، وَلِلزَّوْجَةِ أَنْ تُطَالِبَ زَوْجَهَا بِالْوَطْءِ؛ لِأَنَّ حِلَّهُ لَهَا حَقُّهَا كَمَا أَنَّ حِلَّهَا لَهُ حَقُّهُ، وَإِذَا طَالَبَتْهُ يَجِبُ عَلَى الزَّوْجِ، وَيُجْبَرُ عَلَيْهِ فِي الْحُكْمِ مَرَّةً وَاحِدَةً وَالزِّيَادَةُ عَلَى ذَلِكَ تَجِبُ فِيمَا بَيْنَهُ، وَبَيْنَ اللَّهِ تَعَالَى مِنْ بَابِ حُسْنِ الْمُعَاشَرَةِ وَاسْتِدَامَةِ النِّكَاحِ، فَلَا يَجِبُ عَلَيْهِ فِي الْحُكْمِ عِنْدَ بَعْضِ أَصْحَابِنَا، وَعِنْدَ بَعْضِهِمْ يَجِبُ عَلَيْهِ فِي الْحُكْمِ.
[4] فتح القدير للكمال ابن الهمام (10/ 39) قُلْنَا: نَعَمْ لَكِنَّ حَقَّهَا فِي أَصْلِ قَضَاءِ الشَّهْوَةِ لَا فِي وَصْفِ الْكَمَالِ؛ أَلَا يُرَى أَنَّ مِنْ الرِّجَالِ مَنْ لَا مَاءَ لَهُ وَهُوَ يُجَامِعُ امْرَأَتَهُ مِنْ غَيْرِ إنْزَالٍ وَلَا يَكُونُ لَهَا حَقُّ الْخُصُومَةِ، فَدَلَّ هَذَا عَلَى أَنَّ حَقَّهَا فِي أَصْلِ قَضَاءِ الشَّهْوَةِ لَا فِي وَصْفِ الْكَمَالِ انْتَهَى